The Perils of Tuesdays

In our humble corner of the earth, Tuesday nights are a respite from the monotony of daily, hum drum [comparatively] sober life. It is the night that all those who are 21 and above flock to the one place on earth untainted by freshmen girls wasted off 3 Smirknoff Ices who are "omggg sooo drunkkk omgggg maybe if I dance on a table I'll sober up." You know the type. Anyway, so all of us second semester seniors flock to the Mecca of trashy bars: FicMaddens.

Last night, Rio and Ms. Mount Vernon and myself decided to shake up the routine by pregaming dollar drink night (which, for the sake of clarity, begins at.... 7pm). Three pitchers of beer later, the night had begun. FicMaddens was packed! I was sucking down Tom Collins' like they were water! They are just a dollar, WHATEVER! I always make a crucial mistake at FicMaddens which is to convince myself that, to get my money's worth, sipping is unacceptable. Only chugging will suffice. So needless to say, six Tom Collins later, I was pretty fucked up.

I want to tell you about my on-again-off-again boyfriend. His name is Randy McRandomson and he truly is a magnificent man. He is full of mystery... where is he from? What name is he going by today? Does he have diseases? Randy loves to make me guess... it adds to the excitement of our admittedly very physically based relationship.

So here I am, in a Tom Collins haze, when I see him dancing at the front bar at FicMaddens. It's Randy!!! My dear boyfriend Randy McRandomson. I had missed him so much. Randy and I begin to talk-- today he is taking the form of an art student from Silver Spring (I know, I know.... I was drunk). The pain of our long separation was truly too much to bear and Randy whispered those sweet words into my ears, those words that my loins had ached to hear for so long:

"Want to go upstairs and make out?"

Oh Lord! Yes Randy! Nothing could be sweeter. Racing and stumbling up the stairs we finally find a haven for our love.... a plastic folding table in the corner of the upstairs bar. The ambient lighting setting the mood, Randy's sweet and magical lips graced mine and we were locked in a frantic embrace. Now, for the record, I was aware that I was making out with some random guy in the upstairs of a trashy bar. I was also very aware that EVERYONE ON THE PLANET was watching us, maybe making a comment or two. Obviously, I thought, they were jealous.

This delicious session continued for half an hour or perhaps more (time truly does fly when Randy's hands caress your body) until I feel iPhone sensually vibrate against my inner thigh. iPhone really is my best friend... he looks out for me when I may be inching closer to getting raped and he also tells me what the weather is like. Truly a versatile friend. iPhone told me that rio was now searching for me and this alerted me to the fact that, holy fuck, whatever I am doing now is gross. Really gross. He is from SILVER SPRING MARYLAND.

Escaping underneath the guise of "having to pee so bad" I flew down the stairs where I met up with rio and Ms. Mount Vernon. They were going to another bar and I assured them I would meet up with them. I continued down the stairs where I saw my friend Gina standing with two friends. Thank the Lord, I thought, that I've escaped judgmental eyes from upstairs. I approached Gina and her friends who, within seconds, said the following:

"Wow, we just watched you make out with some guy upstairs for half an hour. Way to go!!!!" Shit. Feeling slightly retarded, I tried to salvage my pride but failed miserably in the process. Grabbing my eggplant colored coat from the coat check, I stumbled outside where I walked home alone. I had regressed. I know Randy is bad for me... he does not help my self esteem no matter how many times he says really romantic things like "you're just so hot, I wanna put it in you." I have to cut off this relationship once and for all. No more Randy!!

....We'll see how it goes next week, I suppose.