Hark! Lo it comes, the Investigation 'o the Century

Post-GW: Ms. "J Clue" applies for gov't high level job concerning extremely sensitive materials, "the public trust". As the good friend that I am, I offer to confirm to federal investigators her ability to care for, nurture and lovingly caress said "public trust". Granted, I was hungover for my 2pm rendezvous with the secret agent, but all seemed to be going well as I eloquently described J Clue's temperment as "chill" and "laidback". If, like me, you heard federal investigator and thought James Bond, the grey-suited-24-year-old-Willie-Loman-wannabe was a bit of a downer. And he had poor penmanship-- I couldn't read what he was writing (...via her personal relationships with vagrants, J Clue is not fit to fondle public trust etc). And he was sober.

The sad American version of James Bond then mocked me for currently being unemployed and for my inablility to meet with him earlier than 2pm due to "other scheduled things" (pancakes with the roomie). Fair.

Now I'm off to join MissMountVernon for rooftop drinks. I love this time of year. It makes me feel so INSOUCIANT.

"If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

As I sit here on the roof of E Street overlooking the national mall, listening to Britney, sipping on a cocktail at 2:30 in the afternoon with future house mate, Miss Clinton I cannot help but reflect on how I love the summer.

We just put on a show for the State Department featuring the choreographed moves from "4 Minutes" by Madonna and Justin Timberlake. I think they enjoyed it. It seems like post-college life is strikingly similar to college, just without finals and papers...sounds good to me.



Pictured above is the most arduous task of the day, opening a bottle of beer without a bottle opener. Tragic.

This reminds me of the time that Flash, my roommate The Wiz and myself were homeless for the afternoon. In a rush to get to the liquor store before "True Life: I Live in the Projects" aired we inadvertently left the key inside. With none of my other roommates around we were forced to suffer through living life as a street wanderer with our only source of sustenance a huge bottle of champagne and a 6 pack of beer (thankfully twist-off). As we sat in that hallway outside my apartment drinking away I realized how lucky we are to be able to drink excessively in the comforts of our own home and sometimes at Trailer Trash Tuesdays at McFaddens. Two hours later we were safe in the comforts of our apartment, appreciative of the life we had.

So perhaps today when you are about to crack open that beer or bottle of Burnett's finest vodka, take a moment and poor a beer out for our homeless homies...maybe not the whole beer, that would just be a waste.

grow some

Flash,
grow some balls. I know we'll be living together for a few months (and i anticipate loving it) but Jesus Christ grow some balls! you're home for a cold 14 days of the last half of May. THE LAST 1/2 of MAY!! Couldn't be more beautiful! Jeez. I know it looks like a frat house now (I'm more than capable of dealing/transforming) but by God we'll make it GLORIOUS!!!

Pictures of the ONE HOT DISASTER house forthcoming... principals moving in June 3rd. PARTY planned and TBA!!!!!

Eating Out: A Practical Guide in Not Pissing Off Your Server

If you have ever seen the movie Waiting, I would highly recommend it. Its premise is simple: never piss off the people who serve your food. As a waitress I can very much relate to that sentiment. I also work as a host at my restaurant once a week, which helps deal with those pesky taxes at the end of the year and has given me an important perspective in how restaurants work.

Today was Mother's Day, a day of celebration of moms everywhere, a supposedly happy and joyous day to treat your mother to a nice champagne and mimosa brunch. For many this was true, but for a select few they managed to turn brunch into 4 hours of hell.

In honor of this day, I would like to present a list of APPROPRIATE behavior in a restaurant. Today I will focus on the hosting side of things.

1. Reservations. Do not come to a busy restaurant in Georgetown, on a weekend night, and expect to be sat right away. We are obviously glad you are here, but we also have 300 reservations that called ahead.

2. Furthermore, if you arrive a half hour early for your reservation, don't be surprised when we can't seat you right away, or you may have to wait for a table to open up. This is just as important if you are late for your reservation. CALL AHEAD, its courteous and hosts will be more likely to be accommodating.

3. This is particular to restaurants on the waterfront, BUT the outside patio is first come first serve. That being said, expect to wait for a table when its busy.

4. Sit where you are sat. Simple enough, but the amount of people who request to be moved is positively mind blowing, and often they ask after they have ordered their food. If you are really dissatisfied that you are not right next to a window, ask, but often times when you move, you are moving to another section with another server. That means tables and food must be transferred and if that new server is busy you are actually hurting the quality of the service you receive.

5. We have a rule about full entree dining only in the restaurant. First our liquor license requires it. And second, servers are not cocktail waiters, they are here to serve you dinner, not to let you sit on the patio for 4 hours with your buddies while there is a 2 hour wait of families. Go to the bar for that.

6. Anger looks good on no one. Getting angry at the host will make them less accommodating and less likely to work hard to get you that really nice seat. Sometimes I wonder who has the patience to dine with these rude people, but I have been screamed at by patrons who are irrationally anger. I am sorry but I cannot create a table of 9 out of thin air, we have to wait for a table to get up and pay in order to seat you.

7. No other restaurant allows incomplete parties to be sat, so what makes you believe we will? Yesterday we almost had to call the police on an irate man who was in complete shock that we would not seat his party of 11 when only 3 of the people were in the restaurant. Learn some manners.

8. I am not stupid and don't judge me. I am about to graduate college, and I did not go to school for four years to be looked down by you. I work hard to pay my bills and my loans, and while you may think that this job is beneath you, I take great pride at being good at this one.

9. Service, but at what cost? The most common misconception is that at a restaurant we are "yes-people," that is the customer is always right. While we try our best to please the customer, we have to look at the well-being of the entire restaurant and all patrons not just you. We can not break the law just for you or tell a table that is already sat that they must get up to accommodate your needs. From the server's perspective this can be much worse (example: eating an entire plate of food and then complaining about it being terrible and wanting a refund).

10.Say thank you. On a holiday, especially when I am spending time away from my family its nice to have people say 'Thanks' or a simple 'Good Morning.'

That's it for now, my insomnia is slowly going away. Perhaps later this week I will create the server portion of this list, maybe with a little help from Flash who can relate to the woes of the service industry.

finally, the final FINALS

Final Exams are the plague. They are not like the plague. These final college exams don't simply deprive me of sleep and make me a cranky crazed roommate. No. There is no metaphor here. I'm dying. Omg! The kid on the computer next to me just fell to the floor!... fuck, now he's snoring down there.

I hadn't planned to have to do this so soon, but these are desperate times and I fear I won't make it to see Friday. This will be my last post ever. Cause I'll be dead. Via academia. If the police ever come to question you about it (hahaha) you may give them the names of Professors Smith, Stine, Ozernoy, Kelly and Withers.

Good night, and good luck. it's only noon?!?!



*photo of student leaving Gelman library (age 22)

Kick 'em out!

Gracias a Texas!

This hot mama's shouting incoherently in spanglish about (tacos and softball or some such?) the need for everyone to have proper english language skills. Spelling is for elitist commies and english is for posers, right?

Yeah!, send her back to Tijuana where she came from.

I want an old person as a pet...

I went and saw "Young at Heart" at E Street Cinema tonight and I didn't stop smiling/crying the entire time. Its got a great combination of old people and Sonic Youth. I want to be like these people when I'm old.