In Memorium of My Waiting Job.

Yesterday was my last day waiting tables and, as such, I've decided to create the follow up to Ms. Mount Vernons guide to not pissing off your hostess. I present you

A Guide to Knowing if Your Waiter Hates You (A Lot)

1. omg hi i'm 17! me n my bff want to sit in ur section for 2 hours on a saturday night and chat about our bf probs. is it ok if we just nibble on the cheapest appetizer u have and drink water (WITH LEMON PLZ)? we'll tip 18% on our $8.99 bill we promise!
analysis: take your Forever 21 tunic shirt and get the fuck out of my section. if you're that self conscious about eating, why dont you just go buy some diet coke and laxatives and stay home. there is no need to cock block my income by crying over your house salad with dressing on the side for 50% of my shift. enjoy 7th grade.

2. hi me and my husband just decided to take our child, little Lucifer, out to a nice dinner! Little Lucifer has a bundle of excess energy-- you wouldn't mind if he just ran laps around the whole restaurant, right? Oh don't worry-- we taught him how to scream EXTRA loud so that we can always locate him!
analysis: i know this news is a little late, but you should have gotten an abortion. your child is a heinous devil and i want you to know i'm considering putting arsenic in his kids cheese ravioli.

3. gelici! hai en michrikov abrevmi gialonic barus. ni chai venov! velkomen amerkia! mikov harivk mi dinov hoy dimis tira ballen dikom. salut!
analysis: i did not just understand one fucking word you said. you know what i hope you understand? your foreign ass is going to get a 20% gratuity added to your check even if there are only 2 people. FREEDOM, BITCH.

4. this restaurant looks great! do you have XYZ item that i don't see on the menu? no? oh... well can i get this dish without this and without this too and can you change the sauce, add pepperoni, change the type of pasta and stir counterclockwise? is that too much trouble?
analysis: why would you come to a restaurant where you don't like/want ANYTHING on the menu? why don't you be a bigger pain in my ass and ask me to hand filter your water through imported hawaiian black sand? did you want to add boogers to your meal too? because i just assumed so. enjoy.

5. hi its our third date! i know this may be awkward, but if we sit on the same side of the booth its going to be a LOT easier for me to score an OPHJ (over pants hand job) in between appetizers and entrees. try not to interrupt our aggressive frenching when you bring our food out kthnx!
analysis: i know all you're paying attention to now is your strategy of getting her to let you touch her boob.... but lets see the forest through the trees. she wants EXTRA dressing on that salad? regular coke? once her metabolism gos you'll be accidentally f'ing her fat folds for the rest of your life. enjoy that boob touch chubby chaser.

6. hey we're really enjoying our dinner! i know there are 11 of us sitting here but would you mind if we all did separate checks? and can we all pay in cash and can we all get change? that's not too much trouble right? dont mind me, i'm going to only tip 14%... i'm SURE someone else will make up for it! i just am so short on those benjamins ^-^
analysis: congratulations! you just increased the chance that i will fuck up your bill/credit card by 200%. and please dont get pissy that its taking me more than 30 seconds to do. but seriously, i'm really glad you all wrote EXACTLY how much you each owe ($21.64) next to your credit card number. it makes it very easy. eat shit.



alright now beyond simple TYPES, here are some things never to do.
1. please take 5 minutes to consolidate your needs, create a prioritized list and then ask me to get you things. i do not enjoy when this job doubles as my work out so i will get pissed real fast if every person at the table is asking me to get them something different every time i come back to the table to give someone else whatever they just asked for.
2. if you cant afford to leave a decent tip, don't fucking go out to dinner. don't you understand ths is my income and i have a very aggressive partying lifestyle? please be sensitive to this fact whenever tipping under 20%.
3. seriously don't just hang out and eat at a rate of .0001 molecule per minute especially if your bill is low as shit. you're effectively preventing me from making any money. i understand you want to talk with your bff, but thats why places called "not my mother f'ing booth" exist. GO AWAY.
4. please don't make a hundred alterations to what you want to eat and then get pissed at me when its not perfect. stop being a diva and just fuckin eat up, if you want something that specific get your ass back to the kitchen and make it yourself (esp if you're a woman.. why arent you at home cooking anyway right?)

this is but a few..... i hope you are better educated and PEACE OUT waiting job... RIP motherfucker